Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
Once we got home things seemed to pick up pretty quick and the timing of everything really fell into place so perfectly. Miracle of all miracles, when we got home Lincoln told Marshall he wanted to “take a nap” and fell asleep almost immediately. We were sure he would be up for the day, but this was such a little miracle. Because he slept, Marshall was able to help me labor which was super duper necessary. He was my lifeline. Him just being beside me was essential. I always kind of felt like the whole “husband coached birth” thing was just something invented to help the dad feel like part of the process, but really he carried me and afterwards it really felt like something we did together. After being together for as long as we have (11 years almost!) sometimes there don’t feel like a lot of “firsts” left, but this was definitely a first and it was so special!
After Lincoln went to sleep things really picked up. My contractions were super painful, I couldn’t really get comfortable anywhere and they felt really back to back. I heard myself saying that I wasn’t getting a break (which is a sign of transition! But totally wasn’t in transition at this point). In retrospect pretty sure my water had broken, but I didn’t realize it despite the fact that, um, things were falling out of me. (…aaannnnd, leaving it at that!)
I tried to labor in the tub but hated it and had a really hard time coping with contractions in there. I wasn’t comfortable sitting at all, so I tried the shower again for a little bit but after a while I got hot and I was nervous about my skin being in the hot water for that long. I paced around our bedroom and bathroom and tried over and over to find positions that were comfortable but the most comfortable I was standing, holding onto Marshall and squeezing for dear life when a contraction came. I remember telling him a few times that if we went back to the birth center and I was still 3cm I would walk myself across the parking lot to the hospital for an epidural.
At some point while we were at home my water had definitely broken, which I didn’t realize until I was examined at the birth center. I legitimately thought I was peeing during every contraction. This totally explained the intensity of everything, in hindsight. I remember telling Marshall there was no way I was going to be able to do this for hours, but he kept reminding me to breathe and turned on some music at some point. Do It Again was on my playlist and I remember hearing myself saying “there’s no way I can do this” over and over and over and then hearing “you made a way, when there was no way” almost in direct response.
After that the atmosphere completely shifted. I got a hold on my breathing, I was significantly more calm and relaxed. Something just clicked. Marshall told me we could go to the birth center anytime I was ready. My brother in law had come to pick up Lincoln on his way to work, miraculously right when he woke up from his “nap”. I was dreading the drive to the birth center, and it was 8am so I knew it was going to take longer than normal with traffic but I knew we should go sooner than later. Now that things were clearly progressing, I wasn’t sure how fast it would be and Marshall was for sure not excited at the prospect of delivering a baby in our bedroom.
The drive there was incredible. I was so relaxed at this point I literally fell asleep. I’d have a contraction, breathe through it and doze off by the end of it. I have no idea how. It took us about 45 minutes to get there, traffic was completely stopped on the highway so we went back roads. Marshall did an exceptional job of driving. He said that we got stuck at every stoplight but I didn’t even notice, I had my eyes closed and I was sleeping or breathing. Later when I was in the tub I told our midwife that I kept falling asleep at the end of contractions and she explained it was my body conserving energy for pushing later on– means you’re close!
We got there around 9am, Mandesa, the other midwife I had wanted to meet, met us at the door smiling so big and said “I don’t think we’ve met!”. I happened to look at Marshall’s face and he was smiling so big too, and a little teary. I think I smiled at him, but I’m honestly not sure what my face looked like. At this point we were both in complete awe at how everything was piecing together so perfectly after waiting for her for so long. Having Mandesa there was just like an extra special God hug, just because. He was like “I heard you! I knew you wanted to meet her! You got to meet her on the day it matters most! It was always the plan!” Another little promise fulfilled.
My hands and legs were shaking and she walked us back to triage me. I was 6cm and she confirmed my water had broken. She helped me through a contraction on the table then listened to Emmeline’s heart and remarked “oh, she’s a happy baby!”, which Alexa literally had said five hours earlier. Everyone that listened to her heart beat always said that she was happy. So appropriate for our Emmeline Joy! She also made a comment about how I was doing great breathing for her and that was so motivating. I am an undeniable “words of affirmation” person so little comments like that really helped me a ton.
She started the tub for me in our room and I made my way back there, leaving puddles of amniotic fluid along the way. In between contractions I still felt kind of normal. I made a joke in the triage room about leaking a little bit and after every contraction I’d look at Marshall and the puddle, of um, stuff, and remark how gross it was.
In each of the birthing suites there’s a ladder on the wall and while Marshall went to the car to get our stuff I just held on to the ladder and swayed and breathed. It was like as long as I had something to hold onto, I was totally good. Once the tub was ready I asked Mandesa how I should sit since I was coping well standing and swaying, and she gave me some ideas and I finally settled on sitting on my knees and feet. After a while my feet turned kinda purple and were kinda numb but I totally rationalized that it would be worth it to lose my feet than sit on my butt during a contraction. Once I was in the tub and comfortable I told Mandesa I was scared of transition and she just looked at me and said “why? You might be in it right now.” Which may have been true, I didn’t seem to notice transition whenever it happened.
Contractions came and went, and I would doze off, sitting up in the middle of the tub. At some point they got a speaker working and Marshall turned on my labor playlist and I requested “Do It Again” a few times. Soon I asked Mandesa about pushing and she told me contractions would change and breathing wouldn’t be enough to get me through them and she was totally right. Not long after, that things started to shift again and I would push through the end of contractions and it felt awesome. Awesome. Everyone started getting things ready for a baby and I kept grunting and pushing a little, one big push kinda freaked me out because I felt her drop significantly. Mandesa talked me through some better pushing positions and we got things rolling around 11am! I had been coping and managing contractions pretty well on my own (with Marshall beside me– that was definitely the key) but pushing I super needed her direction on when to breathe, how to breathe and where to push. I couldn’t feel a lot of progress happening which got me kind of frustrated so she had me turn into a different position and she realized that my bag of water hadn’t broken completely and that was holding me back some. She popped it and a few pushes later her head was out! I think it took three contractions with her head pretty much out (have mercy, that was intense!) for her to come all the way out. She felt huge. Then all of a sudden, Emmeline was here, 11:37am! Relief! Almost 12 hours exactly from my first big contraction the night before. Mandesa caught her in the water and handed her right to me and I immediately started crying when I saw she had red hair. Best ever. I knew she would in my heart. I just knew it! She was so wild in my belly!
She wasn’t crying yet, normal for water birth babies, apparently, so she and Anne (our amazing nurse) helped suction her and warm her up and wasn’t long before she was yelling at us pretty good (and hasn’t really stopped since…). 41 weeks and 2 days means some really developed lungs. She was making her presence in the world known, for sure!
We sat for a few minutes then they helped me out of the tub and we walked over to the bed and they delivered the placenta and Mandesa stitched me up. I cut the cord (Marshall’s not really into that sort of thing..haha!) and wasn’t long afterwards Emmeline latched on great and started nursing like a champ with much enthusiasm. We took turns snuggling and soaked it up! After we snuggled for about an hour Mandesa came back to weigh her and do all the newborn stuff, she had us guess her weight and I had no idea. 8 pounds 3 ounces! Mandesa said she guessed it almost exactly just by looking and feeling my belly when I came in. So fun. I could not believe that I pushed out an 8+ pound baby. What a body! Pushing was definitely the hardest part, for sure. Made more sense knowing she was a pound bigger than Lincoln. Totally felt it. Every ounce. She was 21.5 inches long (same as Lincoln). Overall, a big-ish girl– especially for our kind of people (small– ha!). Everyone that has met her since then remarks that she was a big babe to come out of me. I always fight the urge to flex my muscles in response. It’s also worth mentioning that my tailbone still hurts and I can’t really sit down or get up without wincing.
This whole thing was just an incredible gift. The past two years have been such a refining time for me, and this birth was just a gift after all of that. God was in every single detail, and we knew he would be, despite weeks of trying to prepare and plan for every scenario. He was in the middle of it all with us, and showed off big time. His presence was tangible, especially in those final moments before she was born.
Personally, I thought I’d leave there feeling super empowered and proud of myself but really I feel like God did most of the work. It was like something took over and told me what to do, how to breathe, how to stand, how to sit… it really was so instinctual. All of it. I mean, there’s not really any way to anticipate or practice how to cope… you just kind of figure it out at each stage.
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of myself for sure, and this was such an amazing testament to how taking care of my body has changed how I view myself. Pretty much my whole life I’d always seen myself kind of sickly. I always had issues with eczema and asthma and I was just sick a lot, as a kid and as an adult If I didn’t have a cold (turned respiratory/sinus/ear infection) I had a stomach virus. I was never athletic or good at running, I always had a headache or was tired. I never believed my body could do anything. Since overhauling our diet and eating well I’ve been so shocked at how my body operates in general, and how good I feel and I think that was a major part of it. So much of the process was trusting my body and my instincts, and after twenty some years of NOT trusting or believing in my body it was tough, but this was just more affirmation to keep eating well and taking care of myself. My body can do amazing things if I fuel it with the best things! I finally believe that I am strong and capable of great things. This birth was such a gift, on so many levels. There is so much beauty in this life… and birth is not something to be dreaded or feared. It’s so beautiful, and empowering. Also, messy! But so is this life.
Jualeah told me when we came in, “each baby writes their own story” and I love that my babies have different stories. Both of them were so special, and taught me so much about everything— life, myself, motherhood, our marriage, God. Thankful for them both, and my two happy healthy babes. Can’t imagine my life without them both– it’s always been them! It’s so fun to think about how as a teenager when I saw the name “Emmeline” in a textbook, that God KNEW that I’d have an Emmeline and she’d have red hair and be born in this way. She’d have a big brother, Lincoln, and I’d be married to Marshall (who I met in high school) and this would be our life. That was the plan all along. All along! Why do I ever doubt his goodness or his plan for me? It’s always so much better than anything I have planned for myself. Always. Every single time. And I always question it. And he’s always faithful. Always!
And my husband. My sweet husband. I could not have done it without him. He knew my thoughts before I could say it, he knew what to say in the moment I needed it, he knew when not to say anything when I didn’t need it… it was truly one of the most special days in our marriage. Thanks for letting me squeeze your hand over and over. You are my lobster. Forever and ever.
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If you’re on the fence about a med free birth or midwife care or a birth center– consider it! Trust yourself and your body, you are equipped and you can totally do it. The midwives at Baby & Company are incredible. They are incredibly thorough with their healthcare and I always left my appointments feeling so cared for and loved. Everything is so family oriented, patient centered, and the birth itself was so joyful and FUN! Not scary or clinical feeling. We are certain we are done with two kids (Marshall is certain, but I’m still enamored with E’s birth which is clouding my judgement… before her birth I was done with two, but now I don’t know!), but I wish we had plans for many more so I could deliver there again and again. Such a special place! I guess I’ll just have to go to every event they have there forever and ever.
In all seriousness, the midwives there are amazing. Mandesa, especially, she is truly living out her calling. She was so supportive, and hands off when I didn’t need her, but as soon as I did she was right there, to hold my hand, or to tell me to relax, or with a barf bag (which thankfully I didn’t need!), or with words of encouragement. She was just the very best– we are so thankful for you and that you were the one for our girl’s story!
And this is just the beginning, the best is yet to come. Let the good times roll!
Special shoutout to my dear friend Amber Langhoff for being “on call” for like the entire month of April and May for us and having a plan B, C, D and E for every day to be there for our birth! It was such a special day and we are so thankful we got to share it with you and that you were able to take photos. We will treasure them forever!
